Sunday, January 30, 2011

Dating story #37, from Atlantic to Pacific, boys are stupid.

....and we're BACK. Back in the giant, non-cherry flavored Slushee that is New York City.  
But, it's totally fine. I mean, I was getting soo sick of seeing THIS out my window every day:
Do you like how I got all "artsy" with that shot and decided to use a Dutch angle?  See how LA/warm weather is already nurturing my obviously burgeoning photography skillz???  Sigh...
But really, it's fine.  Who wants to have a work day like THIS?
Certainly not THIS girl! No, I am, like, SO totally over it.  So lets give you the MANdate status, shall we?!


STATUS: MAGICALLY FLAKE-TASTIC
In my last post, I mentioned how it looked like SoCal and I were going to have a fun west-coast slumber party date at my hotel since we overlapped in LA for one night.  I was really looking forward to it, although over the weekend, he did something reeeally shady.  I'm not ready to speak about it yet, but when I do...oooh, yeah. You're not going to believe it. [Cryptic, I know. Sorry.] But, he apologized for it and I'm not one to hold a grudge. Plus, things can get so confusing via text and we haven't been able to see each other for 3 weeks, so I was giving it all the benefit of the doubt. [One of my best and/or worst qualities.]  
So I was getting geared up for our little rendezvous when I was informed at dinner Wednesday night that all flights out of NYC were cancelled due to yet another blizzard.  I have been amazingly fortunate enough to have missed THREE blizzards and a few days of single-digit temps.  But, seriously- what the HELL is up with this winter?  I'm starting to get the feeling that the Universe hates NYC.  I'm also getting the feeling that SoCal and I are not meant to hang out. Ever.  And, based on the shady things that went down, maybe it's a good idea?  So, I waited on Thursday to hear if he made it out but assumed he didn't based on the fact that NYC pretty much shut down, and also, because his FB page told me.  SIDEBAR: Don't become FB friends with a guy you're seeing/dating/etc prematurely.  It's just a bad idea.
So, not being able to hold out any longer, I shot him a text saying "Guessing you're snowed in, huh?" To which he answered that it looked that way, and that was pretty much the end of comm. Ok, I'm sure he was pissed to be missing his big snowboarding trip. But was it wrong that I also hoped for requests from him to hang out since he could look on the bright side that he was stuck in NYC for the weekend but at least I was coming back? Clearly said requests were not sent, and I figured I'd just wait and see what happened when I returned.
After being bitch-slapped in the face by the cold, slushy snow-grossness upon landing in NYC Friday night, I trudged my roughly 80lb suitcase over a snowbank and grumpily set up shop on my couch.  I posted on FB "It's icy and and cold and I wish I had a warm dog to cuddle with. Why aren't there rental services for that?"  Two minutes later, our good friend The Streak sent me two links of places called "Rent-a-pet." I am APPALLED and HORRIFIED this service actually does exist, but that's another story for another time.
I decided to drink a lot of wine [while I whined] and watched bad TV. 


STATUS: STILL LINGERING
The Chef then checked in with me and asked if I wanted company, and since I was feeling lonely and sans rental dog, I gave him the greenlight.  I'm sure he came over looking for some action. What he got was me passing out on his shoulder. Poor poor lil' Cheffie!  But he is a really sweet guy and there seems to be no pressure from him, so I see no need to cut the cord just yet...
-->And now, a brief SoCal intermission!<--
The Chef had to leave early for work Saturday morning, so after he left I checked my phone.  Text from SoCal at 7:35a: "Doggie cuddling services available here. ;)"
Aha, so he does look at my FB page. Interesting.
I texted back about an hour later and we had some funny banter. Which led him to this text at approx 8:37a:
"Wanna come over? Unfortunately I only have until about 10:30a this morning, reserved a car to go run some errands."
I responded that I really appreciated the offer but maybe we could hang out another time when it's not 8am and I don't have to fit into your little 1.5 hour window. W.T.F dude???
He wrote back a frowny face (ladies, how do we feel about emoticons from guys? I'm really on the fence here). He said he understood and had just made the rez, but cuddle services would be available to me another time when better for me.
I thanked him for this generous raincheck.  And, because he is a huge music fan like me, told him I was going to see a band at Bowery Ballroom that night if he was interested. His response: "That could be fun. Let's talk later and see."
Oookay. Obvi he didn't have a date or he would've said he had plans. Clearly, this is a case of something I just learned about called BBO: Bigger better offer. He must've been waiting to see if anything better presented itself, and it must have, as I haven't heard from him since.
NEW STATUS: DISLIKE, BORDERING ON HATE.


But I went to the show with BFWB and friends and we had an absolute blast!  So, screw you SoCal, and your little dog TOO!


STATUS: BACK!
So, after not really talking much with Drummer Boy post-holidays, he's made an interesting return!  Let's be very clear about Drummer Boy's position in the line-up: He's for APO. [see glossary]  But I will say that he serves his purpose well. And, he's sweet, pretty frickin' hot, and seems to think I am too. Easy, breezy, nice n' please-y. He is definitely a good one to keep around for a cold and lonely night. Which is exactly what happened late last night/this morning. Ah, it's good to be back!
And now, what should be BY FAR the best part of this MANdate.


STATUS: TERMINATED 
Yes, you've been waiting for it and the time has finally come.  I knew this would have to happen, but I was absolutely DREADING it. Almost Doc had harassed me with half a dozen phone calls [unanswered] while I was in LA. He finally resorted to a few typo'd texts which I sort of answered. I figured I'd just wait until he started call-bombing me once I returned to end this madness. Then he texted me late last night: "What's going on here" and "R we packing it in?" I thought this may have been the perfect opp for me to take the wuss way out and text back that I thought he was fun and cool [lie and LIE!] but that I just didn't see it going anywhere from here.  Of course, he was not about to let me off that easy and began text-bombing me and tried to call. I couldn't pick up because my friend Kels was over and I needed to leave, so I told him I agreed that it was wrong to text him and I would call when back from family din with MIM and friends. Kels then made the amazingly funny and astute comment: "It's like you're on the Bachelorette--only the guys don't realize they're contestants!" UH-maaazing.
Without further ado, here's a rough transcript of our call tonight:
ME: Look, I think you're sweet and fun [lie, lie!] and I've had a good time with you [lie!] but I just don't really see this going anywhere from here. 
HIM: "What did I do wrong?"
ME: [in my head] "What didn't you do wrong??"
ME: [in reality]: "Oh nothing really [lie!], I just think it's more of the age difference/maturity thing.
HIM: "Oh. Did you think I wanted a serious relationship? I didn't."
**cut to 5 mins later in phone call after me explaining things he could improve on. [his request]
HIM: "Lindsey, I don't understand. I like you. I want to BE with you. I want to take this thing to the next level!"
ME: "You do realize you've completely just contradicted yourself, right?"
HIM: "I guess. So...we really can't hang out anymore?"
ME: "What would be the point? I'm at the age/stage where I'm really looking for someone to be with and I don't want to waste my time or anyone else's if I'm not feeling it. I'm not getting any younger."
HIM: "Well I'd be happy for you to bear my children. And I think you'd be a great mother to them."
[Sure, this all seems very normal to say to someone you've been on 3.5 dates with and known for a month.]
**cut to 5 mins later, after I explained I would not be bearing his children.
HIM: "So, how was my physique for you? Did you like it or think I need to be in better shape? I used to be more chiseled..."
ME: "You're fine."
HIM: "What about intimately? How did you find all that to be? Was I able to satisfy you?"
PUKE. ON. SHOES.
After choking back the chunks slowly rising up in my throat, I told him I had an early morning and had to go. I swear, I think I may have heard him sniffle...


Dear God and/or Match.com,
Please refrain from sending me any more of these people who appear to be normal but are, in actuality, one banana short from flinging their own feces inside a cage.  
Thanks much,
Lindsey


I do have another pretty amusing story from the West Coast, but this is long and you have to be hoping it's over soon. I know I'd like to be put out of my misery.  Well, at least for one night. 
To be continued....!