Saturday, September 22, 2012

Bath and Body Lies

Walls of body lotion. Free bubble bath packets. “Sample” stickers litter the floor. Fumes settle into your shirt that you are unable to dispel until you wash it.

This is the store Bath and Body Works.

Despite their efforts to convince you that their exclusive Shea Butter and Grape Seed Extract will make your life exotic and full of incurably infatuated men, (what the heck is a Shea anyway?!) Bath and Body Works lies.

Now, we don’t hate Bath and Body Works. In fact, we love it. Case in point: we all have about 8 bazillion ½ empty bottles of the stuff jam packed in our glove compartment, bedside table, backpack and especially under the bathroom sink.

However, B&B has tricked us for years into believing that their lotions have secret powers. They have even gone as far as producing sweet smelling substance named after movies that are popular at the time (i.e. Twilight Woods, Secret Wonderland, Be Enchanted…)

Therefore, we have compiled a list of their scents and how they really make you feel.

Black Raspberry Vanilla:
You’re in class. Sitting. At 7 a.m. You didn’t eat breakfast because… because you didn’t. Then a girl comes and sits next to you. She’s wearing black raspberry vanilla. Your stomach, which was perfectly content being empty moments ago, is now a ravenous beast. What is that delicious scent? Can you eat it? Despite any efforts to keep your cool, you will think of nothing but food until your break at 11:50, at which time you will pull out your Special K granola bar and curse the universe for not having a Jamba Juice closer to campus.

White Citrus:
Ever wanted to feel like you’ve been bathed in Clorox? Well now’s your chance! Simply lather on White Citrus and prepare for the biggest headache of your life.

Warm Vanilla Sugar
You’re 2 years old again. You are wearing footie pajamas, have just had a bath and your mama is reading you Chicka Chicka Boom Boom and The Rainbow Fish (links). Top with oreos and milk and you’re body is in complete relaxation. You have two options. You can either mourn your childhood or rub some Warm Vanilla Sugar lotion on your hands and relive the glory days.

Sensual Amber:
Wear this little puppy when you are doing laundry. That way you and the dryer sheets will smell the same.

Secret Wonderland
Prime outfit when wearing this lotion: Sundress. We don’t care if it’s 54 degrees outside. This lotion is summer in a bottle. So if you want portable sunshine, crank this bad boy open. 

And finally, the cream of the crop…(ha-pun)

Dark Kiss
This stuff is so addicting and delicious that people will literally start getting in your personal space to get closer to you. This can be advantageous on dates. Not at work.
Let’s re-cap:
Foxy boy you’re on a date with gradually moving closer to you at dinner = good.
60 year old woman secretary at work smelling your hair saying, “Well don’t YOU smell nice!=bad.

Sniff’in boys out,
Gert and Char

p.s. Don’t even get us started on perfumes. Like the kind of perfume that makes your skin itch and you break out in hives?

That’s normal.