Monday, October 15, 2012

Spinsters: The Ultimate Scapegoat

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You yelled at me! That-that is great. That helps. I feel like I’m thinking more clearly. I feel like I’m just more in touch with my magic assistant power.   Alakazaam BOOM!

Oh. Shoot. It didn’t work. I should have worn my magic bra and panties.

-Lily Tomlin
Bruce Willis’ secretary in The Kid

Being the new kid on the block means sometimes you get into scrapes. Everyone already has their allies and enemies and knows what bridges to burn and which they should leave alone.

But when you’re new in the workplace you become the ultimate scapegoat.

You are easy prey.

Example #1
Char walks into the copy room to pick up the papers she had sent to the printer in there.
Mistake.
Lividly chewed out for a good seven minutes by a co-worker for not getting her work done on a project that she, in fact, had never been a part of. The co-worker was using jargon Char had never even heard of because she, once again, was not part of the project. Vainly, she kept trying to explain she was never in charge of that particular assignment.

But without a scapegoat, this co-worker would have no one to release his wrath upon. 

That’s fine. Please continue to bite my head off unnecessarily. I enjoy you trying to pierce my brain with your scorching eyes. In fact, it’s quite comfortable being in this room with you right now. We should do lunch sometime.

After offering to help with said problems even though she had no responsibility in the project, Char found herself with a few new tasks to do. That weren’t rightfully hers.

After returning from these selfless errands she was greeted with the same co-worker.

Kind of.

No sweeter words could come out of his mouth. “Oh you know you do such a great job around here. I realize you’re short staffed in your department today. Wow. Thank you so much. You do such a great job…”

Um, hello?

Am I in some sort of candid camera moment here? You were just screaming at me. Now you are telling me that I always do a good job. Which one is it?

No wait, wait. Don’t tell me. It’s more fun this way waiting on the edge of my seat to see which personality you choose to wear today.

Example #2
It was another busy, yet relatively calm day in the work place. Gert had just settled down to a nice plate of cookies.

Enter, The Storm.

How does The Storm greet Gert? Not with a gentle hello or a “Excuse me Gert do you have a second to talk?”

No, that would be too rational.
The Storm decides to begin the hurricane with an intense snakelike whisper that increase from 0 to 150 decibels in a matter of seconds.

Needless to say, Gert was cussed out by every bomb in the book.

After Gert informed The Storm that, no, she was not the one who had created a particular problem that day, she waited for an apology or even perhaps a non cuss word.

But no, that would be too much work for The Storm. Instead he said, “K, well, just be careful to not let that happen.”

Heaven forbid an apology should be extended.
Heaven forbid co-workers should ask questions before cussing out innocent victims.
Heaven forbid screamers should not have full reign over anyone in their path.

That would make work just too easy, don’t you think?

Weathering The Storm,

Gert and Char