Monday, December 31, 2012

"The Same Page" Copout


Spinster: “So…when am I gonna see you again?”
Boy: “Uh…..I kind of thought we were on the same page.”
Spinster: “And what page is that?”
Boy: “That when I went back to school that we both kind of just did our own thing.”

Hold please. Crazy town is on the other line. They’re just wondering when you were going to come and make permanent residence. Pretty sure you took me on three dates a week for the past 4 months and so….no. No I was not aware you were on that particular “page”.

There is an alarming trend of boys “assuming” with their frightful little “pages”.  Hey-we’ve got nothing against pages. We love to read. But sometimes we like to use our mouths and words to communicate.

Next time you’re going to a have a secret relationship book club, leave me a bookmark so I can save you the trouble of this painfully awkward phone call.

Getting paper cuts,
Char and Gert


Thursday, December 27, 2012

It's Not Just a Game

One of my brother's teenage friends just came in my room and asked me if a specific pick up line would work on a girl.

"A specific girl, or just any girl," I asked.

"Oh, any girl..." he said with a determination in his voice.

Nice.  I thought to myself.

First I told him the pick up line was completely cheesy and it would never work on me.  Then I thought about it and spoke the truth.

"But...girls are stupid and any girl you send that to will be eating out of your hand in less than 2 seconds."

He grinned and said he knew that would happen and that was the object of his plan anyways.


If you know me, you've heard this rant before.  Regardless, I feel like this is something everyone needs to hear, (mostly because I am an egocentric person probably, but oh well.)


GIRLS:  First of all you are stupid.  Second, it's not your fault you're stupid. Third, you are worth more.  Allow me to explain:
       Point one: I say you are stupid for very true reasons.  I've seen this happen in high school to beautiful popular girls, also in college from the sorority girls right down to the computer nerds, and now I've seen it happen to women in their 40's at night clubs.  The truth is your easy.  You are way way way to easy.  I'm not asking you to put on a front and "play hard to get,"  because that would still be "playing."  I want you to actually be hard to get because you deserve more, and better.  The lower we set the standards for men, the lower the effort they exert.  Example:  All a man has to do to win your affection is show you attention, tell you that you are pretty and ask for your number.  I know you are tempted to argue, but watch your heart, emotions, and actions the next time a guy walks up to you and 1. shows you attention, 2. pays you a compliment, and 3. makes a move forward.  Guarantee you the emotions will fly.  Why?  Because that's the heart of a woman and men (who aren't as stupid as you think) have figured that out and now use that to their advantage.  (See A Woman's Heart.)  This makes you "stupid" to put it bluntly, because you ask for a man to pursue you forever, you ask for a lifelong romance, a real strong man to lead you, a smart man, a steady man, etc.  Yet you fall for the player of players who knows the three tricks that disguise him as something he's not, yet still make your heart fall for him falsely.  (Study Proverbs 4:23.)

       Points two and three:  Why is it not your fault that you are stupid?  Because somewhere down the line, you never had it engraved in your head that you are valuable and worth fighting for.  Does your heart know that?  Yes. Which is why you fall for the compliment, the attention, and the pursuit (value.)  On the other hand, does your brain understand your value? No.  Or else you would see right through this player player and understand that you deserve a lot more than a compliment and an introduction to lure you into a man's presence.  Its up to you to take the journey of figuring out where you first heard this lie, (See What is Identity, and read: Lies Young Women Believe, Captivating, and Strong Women Soft Hearts.)  After you locate the lie, extinguish it with the Word of God.  When you study the Word and God's character, you understand how he designed you and what worth you have to him.  Daily entering into his presence and reminding yourself that can help you overcome the trap Satan throws at you through men.  God and only God can affirm your value.  I have linked a few blog posts to help you get started, but this is really a commitment you must make for yourself personally with the Lord.  (Read: Made in His Image, You're Beautiful, and God's Love For You.)

I close my lecture to the girls by saying this:  Don't give a guy your heart because he took three seconds out of his day to look at you.  The fact is, you aren't the first girl he's laid eyes on, and you won't be the last.  I care about your heart and God does far more than we can even imagine.  It's the most intimate part of you, and it doesn't deserve to be spread around like an epidemic to little boys who don't know the care and love it truly deserves.  "Above all else, guard your heart...for from it everything flows."  That's a pretty big command, but I see it as the most essential in preserving your womanhood.

(To be continued..)

Thursday, December 20, 2012

Dear Future Married Self...

 
*

Dear Future Married Self,

Congratulations.

You’ve arrived.

Now that you’ve joined the class of married people, don’t forget the following:

1.    At bridal showers chant a quiet mantra in your head. “I am not the bride. I am not the bride.” This way you won’t start answering the real bride's questions of “Where was your first kiss?” “When did he first say I love you?” Because when you do start answering along with the bride you look…foolish.

2.    Don’t get a ginormous ring. Simple=elegant. Plus you won’t look like you’re wearing bling.

3.    Call your single girlfriends out of the blue. They like that.  A lot.

4.    Hug your husband while waiting for the bus. You will look really cute and fearless.

5.    When you’re at lunch with the girls try and dust away the cobwebs of your dating memories and remember that dating is not always sunshine and creamsicles. It is complicated, sticky, and generally a hot mess. Refrain from comments like, “Oh so you’re just kind of messing around, not committing?” and “When I was dating my husband….” Those kinds of comments drive Spinsters CAH-ra-zee.

6.    Treat your husband like gold.

7.    Stay classy.

Kick'in it under the mistletoe ,

Gert and Char


Friday, December 14, 2012

Transform Your Mind, Christian

Romans 12:2
"Be transformed by the renewing of your mind..."

One of my friends posted this as her status a few days ago:
"My identity is inescapable. My destiny is an enormous desire of my heart. I long for what God has for me. I'll long for it more and more, as the time approaches. At just the right time, God will have all the pieces in place. He will send my leader to walk me into what He has called me to."



CHRISTIANS:

We have got to stop living like the world!

I'm not talking about drinking, cussing, sex, smoking or drugs.  Yes, those are bad and yes we are told not to do them.  But quit judging people for these things and look at your heart compared to God's!

For one big huge thing: STOP WORSHIPING MONEY!!
You do not have to base your life around the comfort of a fat income.  The Bible teaches all over to trust God FIRST, then he will provide absolutely everything you need..and THEN some!  Don't you know those O.T. stories by heart yet?  How many times did people get called into crazy scary things?  How many times did God come through for them?
God never changes...so that means that stuff still applies to us and still happens today!

Also, STOP DATING!
That's not loving your neighbor, that's not thinking of other people's feelings.  That's not trusting God.  It's not being patient.  It's not focusing on the Lord, his will, or his Word.

You agree, yet how many of you can raise your hand and say you are in college right now to get a fancy job and find a mate?

How many of you can raise your hand and say you already did that?

Where was God let in on any of these plans?

Oh good, you prayed at the ceremony.  That's all the power he probably wants anyways...much less deserves. -_-

I only rant because I too have been guilty of these things. The truth is, God has called us to a much higher standard, and if we want His best for our life, we've got to let go and start trusting him.

Now.

You will never reach your destiny if you keep it in your hands.




Check out these lyrics from Kasey Musgrave's song, Merry Go Round:

Tiny little boxes in a row,
Ain't want you want it's what you know,
Just happy in the shoes you're wearin'.

Same checks we're always cashin',
To buy a little more distraction.

We often get so sucked into tradition and culture and everything else that we forget to ask God what he really wants for us.  We assume, thus missing out on some of life's greatest blessings.  

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Help Sienna Fill The World With Beauty

Friends,

I will get back to hemming and hawing about my own non-important drivel soon, but today I implore to you read about, and if you can, help Sienna.

Sienna is a cherubic blonde toddler diagnosed with F.O.P just a month after her second birthday.  F.O.P is an extremely rare and debilitating medical condition where bone forms in muscles and other soft tissues of the body which can restrict movement. For those of you with small children, can you imagine keeping their movements restricted??
Unfortunately Sienna was no diagnosed until she experienced several months of flare-ups, starting at 20 months.

Take a look at this little doll and if you can find it in your hearts {and wallets} please give a little something to help Sienna and the others who suffer from F.O.P have a chance.



After all, 'tis the season...

{help sienna here}
xoxo

Monday, December 10, 2012

Feast or Famine: Dating during the Holidays


The Holidays are either feast or famine when it comes to dates. You either have to say no to one date because you already have 2 or you are home listening to the Home Alone soundtrack. Again.

Therefore we are here to give you some recipes to make your holidays….um….livable?

Ice Skating Date Pastry 


Ingredients
2 tsp. of 1stdate nervousness
 3 pairs of socks
 Braided hair. No. Too hippy. Pony. No. Too childish. Down? Great. Your hair will be a wet frizz in a matter of moments. Okay. Shove it all under a hat.
 1 tsp. fantasy
1 cup logic

Instructions
Gently slice your time in half because he has come 20 minutes too early…thus the hair scenario. Wipe the sweat from your now blotchy foundation as his seat warmer and 80 degree car make you curse wearing 3 pairs of socks. Step out of the 80 degree car and onto the negative 80 degree ice skating rink. Curse you didn’t wear 6 pairs of socks. Pretend you know how to put on ice skates. Laugh awkwardly as your date helps you put them on. Smear away your bright red face and the sign “Rookie” from your forehead.

Mix together the 1 tsp. fantasy and 1 cup of logic. The fantasy will begin to rise as you step out on the ice with your date and you imagine “All I Want for Christmas is You” will start playing as you two skate to the altar. Allow the 1 cup of logic to simmer then come to a boil as two junior high hooligans almost send you careening to your death. Realize that holding hands with this boy on the first date would be weird. And dangerous. Hold on to the side rail and don’t let go until he hands you a cup of flaming hot cocoa. Burn your tongue.


For some great tips on how to pick up on boys ice skating read our last year’s post. 


Secluded Friday Night Danish


 Ingredients

1 subscription to Hulu Plus
6 new Next Iron Chef episodes
Microwaveable caramel popcorn
½ cup self pity
3 oz. secret excitement
7 layers of blankets
1 turned off phone

Instructions

Let self pity come to a boil as you stir in caramel popcorn. Let simmer. Realize Hulu has Next Iron Chef. Stir in 3 oz. of excitement. Keep phone on long enough to realize you’re not going out tonight. Turn off. Layer blankets one on top of the other. Melt into peaceful seclusion. Absorb the rejuvenation.

Wishing you the perfect balance between feast and famine this Holiday season, 

Gert and Char



Lessons from Alan Watts



God puts passions into our hearts for a reason.

Satan has used the "love of money" to distract us from these passions, thus leading us into a life of slavery.  Slavery to money, slavery to our jobs, slavery to sin.
By doing this he wins.

He keeps us away from our families, away from our hearts, away from God's original design.

He distracts us from our purpose by danging security and money in front of our face [despite the fact that both are false and fleeting.]

But what matters in eternity.

God, God's men and the God's word last forever.

Nothing else.

How are you spending your life?

Are you satisfied?

Do you worship God through your occupation...
or do you worship money through it?

Perhaps God is calling your heart to do something else.
Something scary.
Something that doesn't promise money.

Yet..it's what you're passionate about.

It's what you were born to do.

It's your destiny.

Will you do it?

Will you trust him?

Or are you too scared?

Would you rather just sit back and take the "safe" road.

...take life into your own hands.

Never mind his plans...yours are better.

More convenient.

Less humiliating.

More....normal.

Proverbs 3:5-6
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
lean not on your own understanding.
In all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make your paths straight."


I'm not challenging you to be stupid.  I'm not challenging you to worship Satan.  I'm challenging to really, really look deep inside your soul and ask God what he created you to do.  Once you figure that out, ask yourself if you're doing it, and if not, why?
Perhaps you too have become a slave to society.


What would you do if no one was looking?

What would you do if your full trust was in God instead of money?

Paint, read, write, parent, dance, farm...?

Thursday, December 6, 2012

Born To Fly


"But how do you wait for heaven,
and who has that much time?
And how do you keep your feet on the ground
when you know, you were born to fly."

I'm so excited and proud right now. One of my sheep has found her heart story.  Her God song.  Her calling.  Her place.  Her American Honey.

A few months back I had lots of posts about my heart, God, and jumping where he wanted me.  Certain close friends also got a 78 page book about this.  My point in all these ramblings was that God showed me what it's all about.  It's not about the money, society's view, or the popular choice.  It's not even about the easy choice.  It's about finding your God given desires and destiny and living straight from your heart by doing those things...no matter what other people think or say!

Gosh this has been such a big thing this year.  I have relocated and changed my whole outlook on life because this Spring I learned what faith was.  I learned how amazing of an adventure God has planned for each and every one of our lives.

We all have an adventurous story and a boring story. Every one of us stand before a road of two paths...especially people my age--college and life decision making time!  We stand at the break in the woods.  We can turn one direction and dive head first into the dark and mysterious unknown, letting nothing but our faith in God lead us.  Every minute of every day is a surprise and there are absolutely no plans and no promises.  Trust in God with everything and he will provide above and beyond for you, leaving you breathless and excited.  

BUT, we also have the choice to turn in the opposite direction.  This is the common, easy, simple direction.  Most people have labeled it the "Duh" choice.  Why?  Because everyone else does it.  Our parents did it, and so did their parents, and so did their parents.  This choice leads us into a safe, convenient, comfortable life.  The biggest risk you'll ever take on this path is deciding to wear plaid underpants to bed instead of white ones.  You'll have all your appointments, housing preferences, finances, etc planned out for the next 1-5 years easily.  The big surprise will be a medical bill from a small accident that involved hanging pictures around the house.  Yes this choice is safe and easy, but deep down you'll always be miserable, hoping for something more.

Of course, I guess this is in essence, the Christian life.  Trust God and let go, or hang on for dear life and keep everything in your "control."  

I posted "Born to Fly" because it is my friend's heart song.  Tonight she kept saying this phrase, "I just don't know what it is about this song...or what it's supposed to mean..."


Sister, I'll tell ya exactly what it means.  It means God has put you at the end of a ledge and is giving you a great big option of choosing his way or their way. This song pulls on the strings of your heart because it says just that.  How do you keep your feet on the ground when you know you were born to fly?

How do you choose the everyday mundane lifestyle when you know God has something way better out there for you?

You don't.

You follow your heart and enter the promised land.  If God tells you to go, you go.  If he tells you to stay you stay.  

When the Lord speaks to you, you'll know it.  His voice is unmistakable.  At the same time, right after you hear his voice you should beware of your stupid thinking.  Over analyzing and thinking through God's command will leave you doubting, worried, and troubled over making this huge leap of faith.

Psalm 37:4
"Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart."

Matthew 6:33
"Seek first his kingdom and his righteousness and all this will be added to you as well."

Matthew 22:37
"Love the Lord  your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind.  This is the first and greatest commandment..."

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Greetings From The See-Saw

And by "see-saw" I mean "the insanity of my inner-brain."

I've always been a very analytical person.  Most writers are.  But in the past year I've become overly-analytical.  Hyper analytical, if you will.  

Why?  Well, I'm an information whore.  I need facts, details and to gather as much knowledge as possible about any situation I am in or have concern over.  

I've boiled it down to one basic thing:  

com·mu·ni·ca·tion

noun\kə-ˌmyü-nə-ˈkā-shən\:
1  : an act or instance of transmitting

2
a : information transmitted or conveyed
b : a verbal or written message
3
a : a process by which information is exchanged between individuals through a common system of symbols, signs, or behavior <the function of pheromones in insectcommunication>also : exchange of information

When Lindsey doesnt get enough of this, she does not do very well.  
She goes into her own head. Very very deep into it.
And apparently, she starts to talk in 3rd person.
And drive herself, and most of her friends/co-workers, insane.

I usually allow this insanity to play out for a brief period of time, after all an imagination is a terrible thing to waste.  Then, I try to ground myself by facing the fact that I am probably inventing a lot of things and nothing has anything to do with me.  And lastly, I always come back to this story my dear friend D once shared with me.  
I will now share it with you.

Her Diary/His Diary
Her Diary
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird.
We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong. He said, 'Nothing' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.
On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'
When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed.
About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep -I cried.
I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
His Diary
Couldn't get the boat engine to start today, but at least I got laid.

And there you have it.  
I hope this helps all of you get off the see-saw time and time again.


Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Things that only happen when you’re a Spinster


 *

Below are some “special moments” we get to experience as Spinsters. You should treasure these times because really, what other demographic in the world has such crazy things happen to them? (p.s. “special moments” fall into the same category of “it’s fine…”


1) You get a voicemail from a recent ex-boyfriend singing…

…except he didn’t know he butt dialed you and stops mid song. That must have been a fun check of “recent calls” and saw your name…


2) You get set up with someone you already know.

If he had wanted to take you on a date he would have already….What are you supposed to say when they call? “

“Oh hey! So I know you already know who I am but I guess someone else had to instruct you to take me on a date…Aren’t you glad now?”

3) Old boyfriends log in names come up on your email and Facebook.

4) Relatives give you confused looks when you say you’re not dating anyone.  WHY ARE YOU CONFUSED? Being single is a real thing.

5) You get your very own “Ms.” box to check by your name at the DMV.


It’s fine…

Char and Gert